Bring in the Firemen

We had a bit of a scare last night and wound up calling the fire department to come check out what turned out to be some burning food.

Embarrassing? Very.

But what horrified me even more, as I watched three firetrucks, one ambulance, and about a dozen firefighters invade my neighborhood and home, was the feeling of, "Omg, you really need a guy to deal with things like this."

In retrospect, it seems irrational - there was nothing about the situation that I shouldn't have been able to handle by myself. But in the moment, circumstances (the smell of gas, smoke coming out of the vents, a kitchen full of smoke...) made us women panic and call 911 where a guy would probably have just thrown open every possible source of smoke, careless about the fear that "something" might happen, and discover that it wasn't anything major.

The truth is that, given the circumstances, I know we did the right thing in calling the fire department. Better safe than sorry. But that doesn't make me feel any better knowing that these "circumstances" included the fact that we females were just too panicked to handle it on our own.

I'm left struggling with the question of whether women really are more emotionally fragile than men. My feminist side is yelling, "NO WAY!" while this other voice is poking at me saying, "Um, remember last night?"

Conversation Glimpse

Conversation I had recently with a friend on Facebook where we joke about the frum community's attitude about several topics, including having kids and a woman's role in society.

(Wait, aren't those the same thing?)

Friend

look at the pics

9:11pmMe

what pics?

9:13pmFriend

I put up some more

9:13pmMe

i'm looking and commenting now

9:14pmFriend

: )

9:17pmMe

holy moley, that's a lot of kids

8 grandkids?

9:17pmFriend

hmm

let me count

4+2+2+1+1=10 actually

a bunch are babies

9:18pmMe

HOLEY $%^#!

0-10 in, what, 10 years?

less

5 years

how long have you been married? There were no grandkids at your wedding.

9:19pmFriend

almost 6 yrs

9:19pmMe

so, 0-10 kids in 5 years

9:20pmFriend

hmm well yeah

9:20pmMe

it's like a conspiracy to repopulate the world with their own offspring

9:21pmFriend

omg lol

9:22pmMe

*conspiring in a back room somewhere* “So we have to marry them off - one after the other, after the other, and then tell them that it's their duty to have a kid every 9 months

9:22pmFriend

omg

9:22pmFriend

lmao

9:22pmMe

*continues planning* "if you can manage two at a time, you'll get a special award!"

9:22pmFriend

What, a third kid?

9:23pmMe

hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

*announcement* "the award will be... a lifetime supply of caffeine and tylonol!"

9:24pmFriend

(I sense an article)

9:24pmMe

tylenol

"we'll even throw in a free Pesach* experience!"

*Succos is available as an alternative

9:25pmFriend

how bout some earplugs?

(a humor piece must be written..)

9:25pmMe

earplugs? var vus i need earplugs? chas v'shalom! the sound of children is the biggest blessing!

besides, my hearing will expire from all the noise on its own

9:26pmFriend

lol

9:26pmMe

*alternatively* "NOISE? WHAT NOISE? I CAN"T HEAR YOU!"

9:27pmFriend

“what??? did you say s/t?”

9:27pmMe

"MY HEARING SORT OF WENT AFTER THE 12TH KID"

9:27pmFriend

“oysh, mine went as well… I dont know… I dont remember anything…

my memory went, since the last time i slept 4 consecutive hours was, oysh, maybe 30 yrs ago?”

9:28pmMe

"DO ME A FAVOR? GET ME SOME OF THAT GINKO STUFF FOR THE MEMORY?"

9:28pmFriend

“yes mine neighbor told me about that giko”

“natural”

9:28pmMe

"4 CONSECUTIVE HOURS? YOU GOT FOUR? I ONLY GET 2!"

9:28pmFriend

“safe, much better than going to a doctor”

9:29pmMe

"Scientific studies say it's a hoax, but what do these scientists know? My neigbor? HE knows!"

9:29pmFriend

“yes well not he, we dont talk to people called ‘he’”

of course

9:30pmMe

"Right. I'll talk to his secretary, tell her my symptoms, she'll tell him, he'll ask her some questions for me, she'll come back and get my answers, then she'll go back to him and then he'll prescribe some healthy herbs."

9:30pmFriend

“exception for talking to these ‘he’ creatures: for my new baby boy, my tzaddikel”

“husband - not so much”

9:31pmMe

lol

"I'd go to a lady doctor, but you know ladies don't really have the brains to be doctors..."

9:32pmFriend

oy

especially an ob-gyn

u must go to a man

women are too emotional to make good decisions

9:33pmMe

because men are so much more sensitive to women's issues (i've actually heard people say that about going to male OBs)

9:33pmFriend

(truth- this could a a thread outta imamother- they really truly say that)

9:33pmMe

Daaaaaaamn (excuse my French)

9:35pmMe

i'm gonna copy and paste this into my blog.

take the names out to protect the innocent, of course

Wedding Survival Tips

So here are the tips for surviving your younger sibling's wedding in the frum community that I promised in my last post:

1. Make sure you look fabulous. It may seem shallow, but it makes a difference when you know you look incredible. The only worst thing than being pitied for being single at your younger sibling's wedding for being single is being pitied for being single and looking bad. Let people see that you're doing fine single.

Put these on your checklist, single ladies: Great dress; hot shoes (heels, a MUST); elegant hairdo; beautiful make-up.

2. Alcohol. I'm not a drinker, and I didn't even drink all that much at my little brother's wedding, but the few drinks that I had made me mellow enough to enjoy the party, and oblivious enough to miss most of the patronizing smiles.

Needless to say, this is only for those of you over 21 (or 18 in Europe and Israel). And I say "needless to say," because if you're younger than 21 and your younger siblings are getting married, it's going to take more than booze to set things straight in your situation.

3. Forget about who's looking, and just do whatever it takes to have a good time. Those old ladies frowning at your style of dancing? They don't exist. The shadchanim (matchmakers) peering over their glasses at your frequent trips to the bar? They don't matter.

Really. They don't.

4. If you can have some of your own friends there, it helps. If, however, your younger sibling drags you across the country for their wedding, (as mine did,) far away from your closest pals who understand what you're going through, add a few more drinks to your evening and it won't matter who's there for have fun with you. You'll manage fine alone.

5. Enjoy the food. If you happen to be on a diet, forget about it for the evening. Chocolate, especially, has amazing healing powers.

Any other tips? Let me know!

Wedding Woes for Singles

It's traditional in the frum world for older siblings to get married before their younger ones. Sometimes, though, the older siblings pass their 21st year without getting married (a horrible tragedy,) and the younger siblings decide to get married before them.

When this happens, it's usually pretty difficult for the older siblings. Having just experienced it myself, (my baby brother just got married - now you know why I've been AWOL for a good while,) I've gained a little insight into this difficulty.

My brother informed me that he was getting engaged by inching his way into my room and saying, "Would you be excited if I got engaged?"

My immediate response was, "Uh... No!" but seeing his face fall, I quickly added, "But I want you to be happy, so if you're happy, I'll be happy." And that was that.

I smiled and laughed with him and his fiance when they came back from his proposal but soon afterwards starting to feel the hurt that I've heard of so often when people talk about their younger siblings getting married.

I needed to do a little soul-searching to figure out why it was so difficult for me to see my younger brother get married. What I discovered was - and I'm not proud to say this - jealousy. Not of getting married, but of the attention that the community gives to brides and grooms. A wedding is usually the most extravagant celebration in a frum person's life. From the *takes a deep breath* engagement party\ies to the bridal showers, to the groom's Sabbath celebration, to the bride's Sabbath celebration, to the wedding, to the seven days of partying after the wedding *let's out breath* it's a party-palooza with all the focus on the bride and groom.

As for those of us who haven't been married, we have to watch as our contemporaries get married, then our younger friends, then the younger kids who we barely know because they're so much younger, and we have to watch time and time again as they are celebrated just for tying the knot. Meanwhile, we go to these celebrations and, at best, get blessings of, "G-d willing by you very soon!" and at worst get stared and whispered at.

We could get college degrees, go to graduate school, become doctors and lawyers and accomplished musicians, but no matter what we do, as long as we remain single in the frum community, we won't ever get a chance for the spotlight.

Coming up next: Advice for how to survive your younger sibling's wedding in the frum world.

Boys Get Mountains, Girls Get Boys

"The pursuit of love gets mixed up with the pursuit of life [...] The boys are expected to do. Accomplish something. Seek adventure. Sure, they study for careers now, but what are girls still expected to seek? Boys. Boys get mountains, girls get boys."

I thought that it was only in the frum world that girls' only path of success was through her "man." Apparently not.

"Like it or not, it happens all the time. [...] A man's identity is complete through action, a woman's when she has a man."

I used to joke that I would marry a rabbi and *POOF* instantly get smicha (Rabbinical ordination) by become a Rebbitzen.

I used to talk about going to graduate school without actually making any plans to because I knew might have a husband and family by the time I reached grad school, in which case I probably wouldn't do it.

Frum girls are taught that their success and happiness will be attained through their husband's success. That they will be fulfilled by caring for their husband and children.

I think that that's a dangerous mindset to head into the frum dating scene with. I think that it's important for girls in the frum world to know that:

"Love can come when you're already who you are, when you are filled with you. Not when you look to someone else to fill the empty space."

-Deb Calleti

Honey, Baby, Sweetheart

(Ignore the cover. It's a National Book Award finalist and a brilliant book.)

Blind Dating

Blind dating is pretty much the only sort of dating that goes on in the frum world. We call the system of matchmaking, "Shidduchim". The process consists of being set up on dates, whether through friends, family, or the good old shadchan (matchmaker) in order to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You've never met or talked to him (or her, as the case may be) before, making them blind dates, yet you're supposed to figure out within a couple of weeks whether you want to marry them and bear their children.

I haven't talked much about my dating experiences on this blog, mostly because there's another blog out there, http://badforshidduchim.wordpress.com/, who seems to say everything that needs to be said, but since it's a pretty prominent part of my life, I figure it's time for me to put my own two cents in.

For now, all I'm going to say is that there are times when you almost wish you were blind. You're supposed to be deep and spiritual and not care about their looks, but when you go on a date and the guy's hair is greasy, or he's wearing ridiculous clothing, or he's just plain, erm, not very good looking, what are you supposed to do? Tell the shadchan (matchmaker), "Well, I couldn't look at him during the entire date but I'll go out with him again because I don't want to judge someone too quickly based on their physical appearance"?

That happens to be precisely what is expected of us ladies. When I came home from a date recently and told my family that the guy I'd gone out with wasn't very good looking, to put it kindly, I got every response from, "Well, you need to give it time," to, "You're being so mean! How could you judge a person by their looks?"

Is it really so shallow to want to be attracted to the man you mean to marry?

Secret Handshake

There's a secret to handshaking in the frum world. An unspoken arrangement in which handshaking is (no pun intended) handled. To outsiders looking in it probably looks like we just don't bother with handshaking at all, but there's method to our madness.

It starts with the Halachic prohibition forbidding physical contact between members of the opposite sex. This prevents handshaking between the sexes in the frum community. Then once we're all accustomed to the "no handshaking with men\women," rule, we often just forego handshaking altogether.

It's all pretty simple until you take it out of the frum world where no one else is aware of this "secret" to handshaking. When a frum person is out in the secular world, they're faced with the decision of how to avoid handshaking with member of the opposite sex without appearing rude or insulting.

Most guys are fine when I tell them that I don't shake hands with men. I've only had a few instances where people have taken offense to my "no handshake" deal. I've heard of people getting highly insulted and I've never understood it. So I don't shake your hand - what's the big deal?

My sister was scolded by an employee in a store she was patronizing for not shaking hands with him. Needless to say, she hasn't gone back to that store.

I had a black guy reply, "I'm a person too, you know," when I excused myself from shaking his hand. But when I explained to him that it was for religious reasons, he seemed to feel better about it.

It occurs to me that some people might find my, "Sorry, I don't shake hands with men," thing sexist. What do you think?